I am so scared because i just have that certain feeling that you not gonna come even  the 25th… i hate this feeling, it makes me sooo fkn stressed. I have to wait 9 days to find out if… i guess.. if We are Winners of Eachother and All, or if it was just a schizophrenic dream… Evil, real and demonic yes, but not true. And i just cannot wait but at the same time.. it’s only 9 days till i find out my destined destination. Inside i have always had high hopes and belifs, a knowing, so those feelings give me an overall knowing that this is going to happen! No matter what i believe about, it is a Sure Fire Thing. But my too many experiences of betrayal, humiliation and lies give and almost equally strong feeling that this is just an illusion, a Game Of Lies. Everything around me feels so goddamn worldly and non spiritual that nothing seems possible. And this is after medication… i obviously feel soo much worse when i take that medication… yeah no shit sherlock the problem with human medication is that it includes no real spiritual substances. So i get pulled down and have no energi you know Everything just goes down in all ways, the earth magnetism in the medicine weighs everything down and there is no way the dopamine and all that high shit can pull me up if the other shit takes it all over. Although i Wonder… HOW COME DOPAMINE AND THE HAPPY STUFF IN DRUGS, THE SPIRITUAL, IS NOT STRONGER THAN EARTH?? That confuses me a lil. But somehow the shot i got makes everything to unreal’ishly Real and pessimisstic, and there is just no hope for anything so lets just die… and i hope that it is because of that it feels like that and that when the substance is out it is like really good again. But i will have it in my system on and lil bit over that date so that worries me alot. But yeah, i think i am actually scared shitless. I cant live without this reality as a possibility. I just cannot. And i wont. And you know what that means, You Do…

But yeah idk 🤷🏼‍♀️ i cant help but to chase this all the way through to the other side. I wont stop because i cannot, i will not. The Wins are so much heavier than the loss. It is All or Nothing. Who really can blame me for it? No thought so. No daddys i wont write that what the fuck, it is you who should be goddamn asking me IN REfuckingALITY….

I have answered that too many times and no time does it ever make a real difference. But yes I Do…. Want to……go l’ho….for you….. am i low now?

I cannot let go of the thought that ther was to be a surprise… and i mean there is one week left so if thats surprise… idk. I guess it wont matter later.