…thing.

What have i really done that is so bad that i deserve to be stuck in this loop of false love and betrayal? why do i deserve being so lied to, be so brought to my knees… being put to the ground and kicked on, time after again?

Why do i at the same time enjoy and feel satisfaction from these constant heartaches? You wanna know why? Because i most defenitly deserve it, otherwise i would not be caught in the same cycle. So i guess i am asking only for what i deserve by falling for the same lie and illusion all the time.

The thing that hurt the most tho, is that i have fell in love, i really have, and even tho i fell in love with a lie it still burns me everytime i realize it. And i am disgusted by myself to not be able to stand up to it. I try, like now, try to desperatly explain how i feel and how it hurts in order to let you understand and because of it stop what you are doing… because if you knew how i feel about it then you most definetly would stop. And the fact that you havent stopped is speaking clearly… because if i did this to my suppossed children and then learned how they feel… i would be beaten down crying and do everything to stop it. I could not ever be able to pull a lie that hurts the one i love so much. So really there is only this one truth left.. i Will be left, abandoned.. i have no magical heavenly family nor a dreamhome that Waits for me, trying to give me life again. No only emptiness and pain is what i truly deserve. And i condemn all further tries by you disgusting, pathetic demonic people from ever try to hurt me again. I Promise myself in this moment to do everything to fight you and to fight it, fight the lie and the temptations of being pulled back in to something sooo fucking Evil as promises of true love. Go back to the place you fkn came from and stay there. I wont ever let you fuck me up this bad again i hope you understand that. This has got to be a turningpoint, i have to break free from you and your lies because otherwise i Will let you have the honor of killing me…

I hope ”you” who read this really understand what you are doing to me, and decide to finally let me go. But if you as always want to keep this Evil game up, then i.. just dont know.